Sunday, May 31, 2009

Islamic "Dating??"

Far too often I hear instances about Muslims who have a "boyfriend/girlfriend" or are "dating" other Muslims (or in some instances non-Muslims). Insha'Allah I pray that Allah protects our ummah from such instances and leads us all to the straight path. 
Islam preserves marriage and holds it in incredibly high regard, and saves the wife and the husband for one another. One way this is happens is by the protection of the man and woman from one another by being put in such situations that would cause them to sin, fall into zinna, or be alone with Shaytan. The Prophet Muhammad (May Allah's Peace Be Upon Him) said: 

"Whenever a man (non-mahram) is secluded with a woman, the Shaitan(Satan) is the third party” (Ahmad, At-Tirmidhi and others"

Unfortunately I know of too many instances where people have put themselves in compromising situations and ended up learning the hard way just what can happen and how devastating the effects can be. Brothers and Sisters in Islam, there is no "dating" in Islam. Please if you want to get married, do it in the appropriate and Islamic way. Seek counsel from others, ask for references about the person, when the time is appropriate to meet be sure it is with mahram there-- If you have no mahram, then ask the Imam to be present. I have taken the below response about dating from Islam-qa.com and encourage you all to read up about the appropriate way to go about finding a spouse. May Allah protect us all, give us pious partners, and give us jannah al-firdaus. Ameen.


 It is the girl’s right to have sufficient information about the person who wants to marry her. This may be achieved by enquiring about him through various channels, such as asking some of her relatives to ask his friends and those who know him well about him, because they may know a lot about his good and bad points which other people would not know about.

 But it is not permissible for her under any circumstances to be alone with him (khulwah) before marriage, or to take off her hijaab in front of him. It is well known that in such meetings the man does not show his true nature, but rather he is on his best behaviour and tries to make a good impression. Even if she were to be alone with him or to go out with him, he will not show her  his true character. Many of those who go out with a fiancé in this sinful manner end up in tragedy and these sinful steps, whether they were taken in private or in public, do not bring any benefits.

 Often the fiancé will use sweet words and play with the emotions of his fiancée when he goes out with her, and he shows her his best side, but when she makes enquiries about him and tries to find out more about him, she will discover something entirely different. So going out with him or being alone with him does not solve the problem. Even if for the sake of argument we were to say that it does serve some purpose in finding out about the man's character, the resulting sin and possibility of leading to bad consequences is far greater than that (potential benefit). This is why Islam forbids being alone with a strange (non-mahram) man – and the fiancé is still a stranger – or taking off one’s hijaab in front of him.

 We should not forget another important matter, which is that after the marriage ceremony (nikaah) and before the wedding night (when the marriage is celebrated and consummated), the woman has ample opportunity to get to know the man's character up close and to make sure about him, because now it is permissible for her to be alone with him and to go out with him, so long as the marriage contract has been concluded. If she discovers  something bad that she really cannot put up with, then she can ask him for Khul’ (divorce). But usually the outcome is not so bad, so long as one has made enquiries about the person and found out about him in a proper fashion before the nikaah.

 We ask Allaah to choose what is best for you and to make things easy for you wherever you are. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you and your husband both practice this before marriage?

Anonymous said...

Bismillah Arrahman Arraheem

To the person who wrote the above comment, I am not sure about what the intention behind asking for such information is, but let me state my thoughts about such a question. If the asker was a non-Muslim, then I would kindly like to point out that such questions are not in-line with questions that one would ask of others in Islam. I believe this sister has written previous posts about her marriage and personal life, and such curiosities should be read in those, and then privacy respected after that. If the person asking was a Muslim, then I advise the person who made this comment to repent Allah SWT urgently for reasons below.

Firstly, as Muslims, we should always assume the best about our brothers and sisters in Islam. This being the case, the post written by this sister discussing the manner in which Muslims should go about finding a spouse should be enough for us as Muslims to think/believe that this is the manner in which may14muslima dealt with finding her spouse. If such is not the case then as a Muslim not only is it in no way appropriate to ask such a question-- I would remind that even a husband cannot ask a wife about her previous "sins" before their marriage, and likewise for a wife to a husband. If it is not okay for those in such an intimate relationship to ask such questions why would you ever think it is acceptable to ask such a question. Besides that, because I have already outlined that we should be assuming the best about our brothers and sisters, then by asking it just leaves room to disclose or discuss the sins of another which as a Muslim we know is abosoultely not acceptable for the sinner, and for other Muslims to expose the sins of others (unless of course the sin is punishable in the Shariah courts like in the case of Murder, stealing etc.) Which even in those cases please look into the manner that such is disclosed and at the hadith I have provided below.

continue on next comment....

Anonymous said...

In one aspect if we are to discuss the actions of others that may be less than correct it is cosidered gossip and backbiting, which has been compared to eating the flesh (meat) of our own dead brother. Allah Subhanahu wa T’ala has said:

O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allâh. Verily, Allâh is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful. (Quran, 49:12)
Speaking about one's sin and flaunting it openly in front of others is haraam, and is a major sin. It is one of the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin seriously and regards it as insignificant, and that the sinner is damaging his own reputation and exposing his honour to the slander of others. Islam seeks to put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in the following hadeeth:

Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).

Abu Bakr al-Siddeeq said: “If I catch a drinker, I would prefer that Allaah had concealed him, and if I catch a thief I would prefer that Allaah had concealed him.” It is narrated that the Sahaabah –Abu Bakr, ‘Umar, ‘Ali, ‘Ammaar ibn Yaasir, Abu Hurayrah, Abu’l-Darda’, al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali and others – concealed those who confessed to sin, or they prompted them to retract their confession, so as to conceal them. But it is better for the one who has committed sin to conceal himself rather than have others conceal him. Committing sin openly out of ignorance is better than committing sin openly out of a desire to brag. Ibn Hajar said: The one who deliberately commits sin openly and flaunts it angers his Lord. Al-Khateeb al-Sharbeeni said: As for flaunting it openly, it is definitely haraam.

In no way am I suggesting that may14muslima did engage in any action that was in error prior in her courtship with her husband, and Allah knows my intention, but I was extremely distressed by reading the comment of the other reader and felt that his/her question needed to be addressed. I would encourage us to always question our intention before we ask such questions of others.

May Allah teach us the proper manner and ahlaq when dealing one another.

Anonymous said...

Jenny it's me!!!
write me an email:)
olesya_2@hotmail.com, maybe we can talk about your dreams ;)

help2ilmsummit said...

As Salamu alaykum wa rahmathullah,

Firstly I ask forgiveness if this post/comment offends you/concept of ur website. I am a muslimah who has been

accepted to IlmSummit 2009 and in desperate need of financial aid. Pl help me either by supporting financially

/spreading the word insha Allah. Pls visit-- http://help2ilmsummit.wordpress.com/ for sadaqa -e jariya insha ALlah. I
pray that Allah make it easy and beneficial for all the Ummah bi'idhnillah. Jazakumullah Khayr.

wa Salam,
Sister in Islam

Anonymous said...

Sister Jenny,
I know that you wear the Niqab as you've stated this in your past blogs. Could you please speak out about it! Let us know why you personally chose to wear it and why you think it does not oppress and isolate a woman from her society. In light of the recent disgusting events happening in France right now, it would be good to hear something from the women whose rights are being violated and infringed upon.
Jazaki Allah Khair.

Anonymous said...

As Salamu Alaykum

When will you be posting your next entry?

Nazrul said...

Assalamu Alaikum
respected sister in islam

Here is a link of a london based sisters' study circle.You might find it helpful:
hendonhalaqah.wordpress.com

May Allah grant you and your family peace and happiness in this world and in the hereafter.

Anonymous said...

We should not forget another important matter, which is that after the marriage ceremony (nikaah) and before the wedding night (when the marriage is celebrated and consummated), the woman has ample opportunity to get to know the man's character up close and to make sure about him, because now it is permissible for her to be alone with him and to go out with him, so long as the marriage contract has been concluded. If she discovers something bad that she really cannot put up with, then she can ask him for Khul’ (divorce). But usually the outcome is not so bad, so long as one has made enquiries about the person and found out about him in a proper fashion before the nikaah.

.................................
A MUSLIM Woman going into NIKAAH with a man only with the intention of testing his character is in contradiction of the concept of NIKAAH in ISLAM.

Taking divorce with the false pretext in the name of KHUL itself is a hoax for a Muslim Woman. Then if the woman goes with other man even in the name false nikaah will be nothing but a prostitute.

may14muslima said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
may14muslima said...

I really don't think that the intention of the Sheikh who wrote the above response on Islam-qa was to suggest a temporary marriage/nikah to "try out" the character or the husband. It is just stating that that is the time when they can be around one another in a halal way and see one another's "true colours". And that she would learn the true character of her husband and not just end up living with someone who is a virtual stranger to her.

By mentioning that Khul is a permissable thing in Islam (when kept within the bounds of Islam-- we are not talking about anything else) for a woman if there are really such circumstances where she feels fitnah would be caused by her being in the relationship or she is not being treated in a manner that is accordance with Islam does not suggest temporary marriage or a "trial nikah".

“And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce)”
[al-Baqarah 2:229]

The evidence for that from the Sunnah is that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5273).

Maybe what the Sheikh was referring to in his comment "If she discovers something bad that she really cannot put up with..." was a situation similar to the one above.

Of course Allah alone knows the intention behind the Sheikh who wrote the response, but inshallah lets assume that it was read out of context rather than written with idea of "false nikah" or "temporary nikah" testing the character of the man.

May Allah keep us all on the straight path, unify our ummah and always help us to think the best of each other and behind our intentions and utterances. My thanks for all of the comments.