Alhamdulillah Ramadan has been (for the most part) going well. Spending time in community, listening to the recitation of Qur'an in Tarawih prayer, the khutbahs... Alhamdulillah I learn so much and find myself being charged by those moments. So why is that I say Ramadan hasn't been UNBELIEVABLE!?!?
Maybe it is because I had such enormous expectations coming into Ramadan... everyone telling me what a spiritual time it is, how incredible it feels, that my expectations were totally unrealistic, (or maybe fully realistic but I seem to be failing to meet them). Alhamdulillah the moments I have mentioned are great, but where I feel like I am still waiting for Ramadan to really penetrate, is all of the moments when I am not in community, or at the mosque, or listening to the Imam recite the Holy Qur'an.
I want so badly to wake up and feel "this is Ramadan" spend all day in a state of dhikr, reading Qur'an and when I pray for my prayers to be more dedicated and focused then they ever have been. Instead I find my hours disrupted by the daily tasks that fill my time: school, work, life in general, and I still struggle for focus in prayers. I pray with full entirety that Allah (SWT) would bring me closer to Him, help me to draw nearer to Him-- That I would feel as though I am totally in His presence, but alas I am still struggling with my sinful nature. I am always in fear that I will be one of the people who despite my fast, prayers, and recitation will be left with no reward for Ramadan. That my focus, my intention, my desire will not be enough to get me the beautiful reward this month has to offer.
Oh... I am so afraid.
I ask myself if my actions, speech, modesty, and thoughts have changed at all. If they have, will they stay that way? I still have pride, envy, anger, frustrations... What is wrong with me that I can't give it all up and be among the pious? In all of history there have only been three women who had perfect faith-- I suppose it seems unrealistic to think I could ever be the fourth, but how I desire to be. Isn't that how we should be living? In pursuit of perfection of faith? To live as the Prophet (SAW) lived and instructed us to? Why does it seem so unattainable at times? Why do I feel so inadequate?
I am so aware of my wrongs and my sins, yet there are days I feel powerless to stop them. Now in this beautiful month will they cause me to fail at achieving my reward? Oh Allah (SWT) have mercy on me and help me.
I wish I could be surrounded by strong Muslims all of the time. People who would teach and strengthen me. Surrounded by those who can teach me all that I am lacking, help make me into a better Muslima. Alhamdulillah I have people in the community who are knowledgeable and encouraging, but I pray for people I could spend time with. Muslimas I could spend nights with that would have knowledge to share with me..
Oh Allah (SWT) I pray for your help, that you would send someone (or 'some-many') to help me, teach me, and hold me accountable everyday. To show me who I am and who I am not. To help me live like the Prophet (SAW) did... increasing my love for him with every breath. Allah, please make all of us like him, make us all among the pious. Accept our prayers, and please accept our Ramadan.... Ameen.