Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Unrighteous, Undeserving, Undone.

I will never know why Allah in all of His power and majesty chose to seek me out and bestow on me His favour. I am so 'undeserving'.
Thinking about my actions today... all of the areas that I fell short, all of the areas that I "missed the mark." Why would Allah choose me? Why would He bless me with His grace and mercy, one who is so inadequate.
Alhumdullilah Allah shows me my faults. Alhumdullilah, Allah makes my actions weigh heavy on my heart so I know that I need to improve myself, become a better Muslima, strive against being 'unrighteous'.

Yet in all of my error and wrong-doings I still see Allah seeking me out. Drawing closer to me. It is as though at the end of the day He shows me yet again who He wants me to me in comparison to who I am now. And Alhumdullilah for that!
I am so BLESSED! I am so GRATEFUL! I will never be able to articulate what it feels like at the moments I know Allah has brought Himself closer to me to teach me something new, or to answer prayer. I will never be able to give Him the praise He deserves.
It is my most sincere prayer that my actions will be closer and closer to that of the Prophet (PBUH). That I would be a woman in Islam that would please Allah and be deserving of His mercy and favour.

I got an email recently that discussed concerns someone in my life has for my new life in Islam. They highlighted that Muslim's "live regimented lives dictated by the Qur'an". They tried to make this something negative... For me, it is what I desire. Inshallah I will live as the Qur'an instructs me to. Inshallah I will be a woman that is modest, sincere, pious, patient, and devoted to her family. Having the Qur'an to learn and model my life around will never be a negative thing.

Tonight is exactly one month of my being a Muslima. As I was pressing my face into my prayer mat, calling out to Allah I let myself go... becoming completely 'Undone'. Giving myself to Allah, asking Him to lead... Asking Him to show me my wrongs, to give me the strength to make them right. I know that I am "Unrighteous, Undeserving and coming Undone" before Allah, but He is UNLIMITED in what He can do.

لا إله إلا الله محمد رسول الله (There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger)

1 comment:

ARG said...

The point so many people completely fail to realise is that we all have our lives dictated by something, usually by a multitude of competing factors. We are all salves to someone or something, but Muslims are slaves only to Allah. We are all following someones idea of guidance, but what better guidance than that of the sublime Creator?
Mashalah Jenny, your words remind me of my first days in Islam. I had the same feelings, and your words mashallah capture that intensity so well!
Sometimes I would experience the changes in my level of understanding in a physcial way as if a veil of darkness was lifted and another truth dawned on me.
May He keep you on the path of goodness!